ignis, glacies et pertinacia

Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Ball ache

In Insomniac Blatherings on April 3, 2010 at 4:17 am

As was one of my former manager’s most comming saying. In this case, dhobi itch, eczema, post-whisky insomnia, after a day of otherwise being exceptionally good, cooking, running, and not eating the sugar-full, gluten-free cake that was left on the side, having been left by somebody around here.

Ball ache too being psychiatrists and my usual struggles with them. The usual catch 22 I find myself in with them where I spend my life, like today, working exceptionally hard, trying to implement a thousand hard-earned lifestyle tweaks and learned-the-hard-way coping strategies, still end up not sleeping, angry, and with a busy head, and yet, being higher functioning than I would be without them, still in some wide bracket where an individual with a high IQ, like myself, and a full-time job, will invariably be dismissed out of hand by these people. It makes me furious. It happens especially because, being less scientific than they consider themselves to be, they do not believe that food can affect mood and mental function to the extent that it in fact does, and so they do not believe that I have helped myself with food etc., and so they do not believe that I am helping myself, or that I would be worse without these coping strategies etc., which take over my life, and since they do not then see the most obvious symptoms immediately, dismiss my problems.
I hate them. And I hate the fact that anger towards them, because of their inflexibility, their God complexes, hubris and failure to adhere to the very scientific ideals they define themselves by, can take over at times.

I am really worried that even this latest consultation could go the wrong way.

Gav B

A doctor who listens!

In A Walter Mitty Character, Autism Research Unit, Department of Psychology, Unforgiving Minutes on September 28, 2009 at 6:56 pm

There’s a parcel waiting at the door to be posted to some woman who’s bought A Kestrel for a Knave through my Amazon seller account that peaked a week or two back in some bizarre saving-the-world-through-bookmarks-about-colony-collapse-disorder fantasy. I get up late after a late night last night trying to work til I drop by doing a translation of The theatre of Jara Cimrman because until ten I had been writing for this blog rather than Call Them Soldiers (I will have to watch out that I don’t slip into doing that more often) and then I was too awake to sleep. I had a valerian tea, which often doesn’t put me to sleep at all – not the brand I have been able to track down of late anyway – and I think that often makes me irritable and jittery the next morning. I got up late, at around twenty past eight, with the post office opening at half past and the doctor’s switchboard too – you have to make appointments on the day and it is a nightmare of ringing and redialling over and over.

I have a shower. Finally. I was beginning to stink again. I realised my lack of personal hygiene is becoming a problem at times when I got a call from a mate to meet up at the driving range with him and a friend. (He phrased it, as he always does, that I don’t have to turn up if I don’t want to, understanding perfectly that I don’t do well with other people.) My mum told me not to wear those jeans as I headed out, with the tear in them. But it was when I got there I realised that I stank. And telling the guy I don’t work at the moment, this guy who looks so straight-laced. The kind of guy who comes over as older than his years, though handsome. As the hot water hit me I tried to remember the last time I showered. We’re not talking weeks by any stretch, but it had been a while. I do tend to be irritated by the ‘waste’ of time unless I have been out on my bike or done some exercise that I can wind down with it. Read the rest of this entry »